


march to august

by passionred (berryargento)



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Age Difference, Alternate Universe, Comfort/Angst, F/F, Not Beta Read, POV First Person, POV Multiple, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-14 12:03:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14769246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berryargento/pseuds/passionred
Summary: "Even it takes from March to August, no matter how long it will be for me to wait; please, remember me and your sin."





	1. A to D

**Author's Note:**

> So, uhh. Actually I might have many stuff to say. More importantly, this AU contained age-gap Sayo and Risa, with older Sayo (Sayo-Oneesan) with little Risa. ALSO IT MIGHT CONTAIN (although vaguely) RAPE. 
> 
> Before you proceed, you should make sure you're fine with those warnings, or not - don't read it.
> 
> The title was inspired by an old song from DJ'TEKINA, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBUH8HyKSos and well, at first it only signify as March (Sayo's birthday month) and August (Lisa's), but it becoming an important moment in the story too. As for the idea ... it's not mine, I think? I'm just ... trying to write what I think of the idea. (waves and winks at the said chatroom)
> 
> Ahem. Anyways. Enjoy.

**< A. /sayo-past.  >**

* * *

Being a college student living alone in city far away from family, I’ve come to terms that I should seek for part-time jobs to cover up my living expenses. It’s true that my college already got my hands full as it is, but I can’t always ask for my parents for money every time – not to mention, my younger twin also is in college too. Even with the help of scholarship, it still doesn’t cover up for additional books I need to get for studying materials and apartment rent, hence, I was spinning my brain thinking of what kind of job that won’t take most of my time and paid quite decent.  
  
It was when I came across the board by the nearby family market that a certain cram school needed an extra hand for a private tutor. After seeing the hefty sum offered there, I took no other second to pick up my phone and called the person in charge.  
  
My shift would be on Thursdays and Saturdays, and as for the student – I could say that I was pretty shocked to be told to tutor a kid, somebody in elementary school with a problem of math. The woman across the phone relayed me the message of said kid parents’ number and whatever I need before start tutoring. Feeling that I should give this chance a shot, I tried anyway.  
  
Teaching only one child, be it is noisy or whatever, should be worth the payment, and it’s only for two hours.  
  
.  
  
“I’ve never thought the tutor would be living next door.”   
  
I spared a non-committal giggle over what the auburn-haired woman have said. I didn’t expect that the place where I need to work is near, I must have been lucky – there’s no more additional travel expenses. When the woman spotted me as I rang the doorbell, she quickly let me in and served a tea as she begin with your usual mother lively chatter.   
  
“Umm, what’s your name again?”  
  
“Hikawa Sayo, ma’am.” I replied politely. “About the course …”  
  
“Oh, right, my daughter—ah, there she’s home.”  
  
Another doorbell rang, followed by a squeak of door and ‘I’m home’ voice. I don’t exactly remember the kid living next door, so I just waited until said girl showed up to the living room where I and her mom seated.  
  
 A jiggle on her red backpack as she bounced in the room, a girl with shoulder-length brown hair with the rest of it tied up walked in, and shyly stepped back when she saw us—rather, because she saw me, a stranger as her mom’s guest. She wore something akin of light brown sweater and skirt. I couldn’t compare our height but she must be around my shoulder tall, or something.   
  
Her eyes went relaxed when her mom said who I am.  
  
“Come on, Risa. Introduce yourself to your new tutor.”  
  
Risa offered her hand to me, I prompted to stand up from my sitting position just out of politeness, be it only for a little girl. She was really my shoulder tall. This little girl doesn’t give any indication that she’s naughty or loud, but she’s not a shy type either as she quickly return my handshake and smiles, before she proceed to sit at the vacant spot of sofa beside her mom.  
  
This could be easy--hopefully so.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
To be honest, I really hate to deal with kids.   
  
First, they could be noisy, to the point you just want to get them in a room to play as long as they don’t bother you. Second, they could be an attention-seeker, they would try to get into your way as much as they can until you surrendered. Third, they could be annoying -- they would pull pranks and whatever to make fun of you.   
  
I really, really, hate kids.  
  
Risa, however, she is different. Maybe, maybe because she’s only all by herself, but no, she’s truly obedient, good girl.   
  
She would do her homework just like how I told her to and because I said that she can ask if she doesn’t know something, she will try to ask about anything. Since her parents wanted more of “serious” atmosphere of study, away from her toys, they said for Risa to come by to my place when it’s the tutor session. Risa would not coming to the way of my private rooms - only spending time at the center area where we would study and take breaks there.  
  
At first, I would only teach her and she would go home after.  
  
Slowly, I was bringing snacks home for me to share with her, especially as a reward for her after doing her homework.  
  
I would talk with her about random things, be it her favorite anime, her friends, and—  
  
\--It was when that day marched.  
  


* * *

* * *

 

  
**< B. /lisa-present. >**

  
While it shouldn’t turn out that way, yet, my swindle of fate turns. As much as I want to forget where it all begin, it always comes back to me – the beginning when everything happened and where everything begin.  
  
This morning, too, I was waking up with cold sweat bathing on my forehead. My throat would try to find water, or anything to swallow the dryness away.   
  
What haunts in my dream was no nightmare, but it could be called as one.  
  
What coats in my dream was no tears, but as I recalled how it feels, my tears started to brim.  
  
What I saw is my dream is no other than myself; my foolish, my small self that still doesn’t know what the world of tomorrow would bring.  
  
Yet, what ‘I’ feel is that I was lying on somewhere deep, as if I’m already drown to the point of no return – I would still remember the taste, the bitterness, along with my own acceptance.  
  
Ah. How I hated myself for it.  
  
“Risa? Yukina-chan has been waiting for you downstairs, why are you talking so long?”  
  
The voice of my mom called me from out there. Right, it’s another day of school - Monday, to boot. I swallowed the stinging pain in my throat and leaped from my bed to quickly get changed.   
  
.  
  
“Sorry, Yukina. Did you wait long?” I flashed a grin as I wore my shoes. Yukina was with her usual placid expression, crossing her arms on her chest and tapping her fingers to her arms in wait. Seeing me ready, Yukina smiled as well.  
  
“It’s been usual stuff to see you woke up late, Risa,” she said. “Let’s go, I have math test for first period.”  
  
The name my mom mentioned earlier is none other than my childhood friend, Minato Yukina, who’s going to the same school as me since elementary. She moved to the empty apartment room beside me when we’re entering middle school. Ever since then, we would go anywhere together, mostly.  
  
Yukina, however, only know me as a ‘cheerful, easily-impressed, happy-go-lucky’ Imai Risa.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
After that ‘incident’, after I finally realized what had happened, it was as if my life has been darkening. I come to understand what that … woman was saying to me before she left.  
  
“Risa? You were spacing out again.”   
  
Yukina came into a halt right when we entered the Hanegaoka school ground. I was the one who began the conversation about stray cats nearby our home. That talk, however, getting tuned out as yet I was drown with my own recollection of dreams.  
  
It was a dream that keep coming back for days, months, years—and now, it is having a tenth anniversary. 10 years – time surely flow fast; or maybe I was already rotten to the point of no return that I am numb with my own pain.  
  
I would wake up after a same dream, one after another.  
  
I would wake up feeling the same regret.  
  
But there will be a time that I woke up feeling satisfied.  
  
“Risa?” Yukina repeated again, me being not usual chipper self must be worrying.  
  
“Ah, yeah. Sorry. Was thinking of my dance club’s meeting.” I forced a laugh, in which Yukina quirked her brow not in amusement way.  
  
“You can always tell me if you have problem, Risa.”  
  
“I know, I know~ I’m trying to find some words to explain~” I covered it more with layers of smile. “Sooo, what about telling me more about you and Choir Club? I got a news from Maya that you and that borrowed Hanasakigawa’s star pianist-“  
  
“Risa!”  
  
I know that Yukina might know if I hide something between my not-so-good mask of smiles. Yet, as she would never ask – I would never let her know.  
  
\--That I am, but an innocent girl once, who has been tainted with sin.  
  


* * *

* * *

  
**< C. /sayo-past. >**

 

“Onee-san!” the familiar high-pitch voice followed after knocking on my doorway. It was fine, early Sunday morning. I was just finished my breakfast and wanted to get a little breather after a week with assignments and exam stress. I didn’t see Risa for a while because the business, though I told her parents already to give this week tutoring a break, and so- “Sayo-Oneesan, are you there?”  
  
“Wait up, I’ll open the door!”  
  
While it’s not rare for Risa to suddenly show up during Sundays, I couldn’t help to think why a kid like her wanted to play here. I mean, a kid of her age should be playing with her peers, right?  
  
I opened the door nonetheless. Risa was there waiting, she jumped a little – seems to be startled when I finally let her in. She brought her backpack with her, which is unusual since it’s not the tutor day.  
  
“Huh? Why are you bringing your backpack here?”  
  
“Mama told me to stay over here since Mama and Papa going somewhere far,” I quirked my eyebrow at that. Hey, they never told me about it! Not to mention, I’m busy too- “… Did I bother you?”  
  
Her round, mint green eyes glinted at me innocently. Though, if I happen to turn her down, she would be alone in her home. Of course, as someone who’s been watching her, taking care of her during the tutor session, I don’t have a heart to let it happen.  
  
“I got something else to do first, can you wait in the living room?”  
  
“Okay, Onee-san.”  
  
.  
  
Risa is an obedient girl, I don’t know where it came from aside that her parents raised her well. While I never actually see her playing with her peers, she must be a good kid around her friends too. I personally didn’t think how she acted toward me is in a way like ‘seeking for attention’ like how children in her age usually do.  
  
She would never do anything I said ‘no’ to.  
  
Risa would not come to a place I said ‘not for you to come’.  
  
Risa won’t speak if I told her ‘don’t disturb me’.  
  
… Maybe it was when I wanted to test her obedience. Or no, it might also be one of my impulsive nature, out of curiosity, or just – I just want to try.  
  
“Risa?”  
  
She was watching the TV, her favorite show on Sunday is playing there on the screen. She quickly snap her attention at me upon my call, and there she would smile, tilting her head. Risa was hugging her knees as she watched TV, though she quickly get up and move away as I sit on the spot beside her.  
  
“Oh, it’s okay, just sit there,” I paused. “Or … would you like to sit here on my lap?”  
  
“Is it okay?”  
  
“Yeah. We’ll watch TV together.”  
  
Risa sat on my lap as I requested, we were watching the TV together as Risa’s favorite show is switched to another kids show that I don’t know.  
  
“Do you want to change the channel?”  
  
“No, it’s fine.”  
  
“Just tell me if you want to watch something else, okay?”  
  
“Mm, Onee-san.”  
  
I circled my arms on her small waist as the show revolved. Risa seem to be having fun, and I tried not to speak anything as she enjoyed her own show. Her hair feels so fluffy to my chin, it’s the first time I’ve been this close with her. I did ever pat her head and all, but now, I can smell her shampoo. It was like that soft smell of some fruit combination I didn’t know, and yet it was relaxing. I caught a glimpse of her skin as I was holding her close, she was comfortable leaning on me and slowly I feel myself growing tense—  
  
“Onee-san?” Risa tilted her head up, the startled me scooted away.  
  
“Are you sleepy?” she turned her head to my side. That innocent, round gaze of mint green looked at my own and I suddenly froze to my thoughts from earlier. Risa would be staying a night, the day is far from ending and here’s me with my thoughts—my sudden thoughts of wanting more of this kid.  
  
“No, not really.”  
  
“Okay then.”  
  
Before she got herself mesmerized again with the TV, I blurted, “H, Hey, Risa?”  
  
“Yes, Onee-san?”  
  
[What am I thinking? Risa is like, ten—no, eleven—years younger than me, I—]  
  
“How about we … play together?”  
  
[Then again, that time, ‘I’ was already intoxicated to the point of no return.]

* * *

* * *

  
  
**< D. /lisa-present >**

  
  
I would have a same dream over and over again. I don’t know if it’s what anyone can call ‘traumatic’ nor something ‘horrible’, yet, maybe it is because I did experience it numerous of times that it coated my dream down to my sub consciousness.  
  
I have a tutor when I was a kid, her name is Hikawa Sayo. She was a college student back then, a freshman looking for a side job for living, or so mom ever said. I can’t deny if she isn’t beautiful, she is quite good looking, also her calm, collected personality is what makes me think she was cool.  
  
Ever since that day when I asked to stay for a night since my parents was away, everything between us changed.  
  
Sayo-Oneesan invited me to ‘play’ – and not until some time I finally realized that it was a ‘wrong’ thing to play, it wasn’t a play at all.  
  
After that day, when the tutoring hour is ending, Sayo-Oneesan will embrace me.  
  
I don’t remember what she’s usually mumbling under her breath before she whispered to my ear that we will ‘play’ like usual before I go home.  
  
Sayo-Oneesan would push me slowly down to the floor, it wasn’t cold, what robed my attention is the warm lips searching for my little ones. Yes, she kissed me; her expression would look hurt at first before it slowly relaxes, as I feel myself … drowning to the sensation of her lips.  
  
I would call for her name by then she pulled away, I don’t know why my voice was so small, so frail, like a squeak after that, also, I felt tingling all over my body, and below there, something wet is coming.  
  
Onee-san would watch me whispering her name, and her hand moved down to take my clothes away. She said no more and only do more—caressing every inch of my body that automatically shook within her careful, calculating movements.  
  
Sometimes, we won’t do it in the living room.  
  
Sometimes we would do it in her own bedroom.  
  
Or when she washed me up in the bathroom.  
  
Sayo-Oneesan, she—  
  
.  
.  
.

  
  
 _“—Ah.”_  
  
I finally woke up. This time, I was in infirmary, I recalled the first antiseptic smell pretty well. Though my first response when waking up is to hold my chest tightly because my heart is racing and I would, sometimes, instinctively got up and scream, no one ever minded me being there.  
  
“Risa-chan, are you okay?”  
  
The infirmary doctor peeked through the closed curtain of my bed, I managed to speak, “I—I’m okay.”  
  
She would nod and get her wheeled chair back to the side of her table and there, I would finally able to catch a breather and think that I’m safe.  
  
Infirmary has always been my refugee ever since I got little to no time to sleep at times. I feel like I shouldn’t bother Yukina with my problems because it’s kind of … shameful, and before she could spot me that I’m struggling, I would say that I’m coming to infirmary and sleep.  
  
“That dream again …” I mumbled as I clenched tighter to my collar.   
  
The dream, it must be getting a little frequent do the ‘promised day’ is coming near, I thought to myself. While the ten-year-old me didn’t remember the exact date, I remembered the month, and I would always look bad during that time of the month. Thankfully, the infirmary doctor from my junior high didn’t pry or anything, they would just ask whether I would like a drink or something to relieve me as I was ‘seem to be in pain’. In my high school, the doctor is a bit different, but I don’t exactly mind.  
  
I tucked back my blazer on after I tidied the bed. When opening my curtain, I got not amused red eyes staring back. Wearing her work coat of white atop slack black hoodie and casual pants, not to mention she got a tall build and mean-looking eyes, Udagawa Ako-sensei sometimes looked more like a PE teacher rather than a doctor.  
  
“If you would like sleeping pills, I won’t give you any.”  
  
“I know, I know, I’m just asking for a warm tea, Sensei~”  
  
Ruffling her curly purple tresses in seemingly thinking, she got up from her seat nonetheless, “Sit there on the bed, I’ll get you something from vending machine; the water heater broke.”  
  
Ako-sensei is a nice teacher. She behaved like that kind of big bro rather than an uptight teacher so I found it easy to talk with her. I don’t exactly tell about my problems, just at times I would ask about health advice or biology homework. She did reprimand me a lot of times not to make an infirmary someplace to fake sickness. Although, I think she already knew types of student who’ll ditch and all, she just said stuff out of customary.  
  
“So,” Ako-sensei popped her own share of orange juice after handing me a canned warm tea. “I know you might decline if I tell you to go to a professional, but just so you know, you can always change your mind.”  
  
I looked up to her absentmindedly, she gave me a shoulder droop and a knowing look.  
  
“It’s unhealthy to bottle everything in, while I don’t know whatever your problem is.” Ako-sensei continued. “I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. You got your friends, you can ask me if you need medical help. You can always ask for help, Risa-chan.”  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
Seven years ago, I was raped.  
  
And now, I was so close to broke everything that is 'myself'.


	2. E to F

**< E. /sayo. past >**

  
  
At times, I would know how much I ‘did’ or ‘wanted’ to do it.  
  
At the same time, too, I would be blinded by it.  
  
When I can think straight, I would wallow, I would curse my existence so much that I had tainted somebody eleven years below me. I had robbed her of her future. I had monopolized her time and—and body. I was no good adult but a wolf in sheep clothing like how her fairy tale books might say.   
  
I was, I was a monster—  
  
“Sayo-Oneesan?” here came her innocent voice again, she closed her work book and folded her arms on the table. Her eyes looked up to me as if wanting to request something.  
  
“Oh, have you done?” I picked up her book and checked that page her teacher signed as a homework for a day, just a simple kanji practice. I reaffirm a few strokes she had made, note a little correction and put it back for her to see. “Can you repeat this one for me?”  
  
Risa quickly nodded and took her pencil again. I moved my fingers to make few strokes as the book says, before asking her to scribble it down. As I watched patiently behind her, I asked Risa to repeat it for a while since she still got the order wrong.   
  
“Uhh, here, like this.” I held her hand.  
  
It was small, far smaller, though not exactly as small as how baby is; it was just … small enough that I can clasp it all with mine. Her skin was smooth, absent from any sign of callouses, or any roughness. Anyone’s skin can be as smooth as hers, but for me it’s different -- Risa’s skin, that is. I don’t know when I started to like the sensation when our skin touched, and why I would linger quite long. I saw Risa watched me with curious eyes of hers again, but she didn’t budge, nor she retract her hand to continue writing - she knew where I’m staring.  
  
“Onee-san?”  
  
“... Sorry. Please, continue.”  
  
I held my breath. It’s always like this, I would alternate between my sanity and my desire. Inside my brain, the sanity is calculating how much I will hold my ground. In my heart, there would be my desire, pushing a tide of bubbling feel of warmth that’s close to make me feel nauseous.  
  
Why? Why? Why am I—  
  
“Onee-san?” again, she called. “I’m done.”  
  
There, I repeated the process; checking her stroke order, making sure she followed the direction right, and then I would close the book, “Nice work, Risa,” I took away the book and gave her head a pat. “You’re doing great.”  
  
She seemed to like when I pat her head, like, she would give a wide smile and let out a small laughter. I like how her cheeks would be red as well, it was a cute sight I allowed myself to indulge. Ruffling on her brown tresses felt good as well, I loved that her hair is soft.  
  
Of course, I knew that my sanity and desire would interfere again -- and Risa would see me as if she knew what I’m thinking.  
  
“Sayo-Oneesan?”  
  
Her call to my name hurt me somehow.  
  
“Onee-san, why do you look sad?”   
  
‘I do wonder myself why I can’t control myself around you, Risa.’--I answered mentally as I move to embrace her. I knelt in front of her and circled my arms to gather her smaller frame as whole.  
  
I did ever hugged someone else before; though I never kissed them. I did ever feel someone else’s warmth; though I never feel that they are any warmer than Risa. I did ever taste a relationship; yet, Risa is the only one who makes me want to stay.  
  
Risa never done anything so great, she’s just a little kid. Risa is still so innocent, since the way she talked about school and what she played are some basic daily life stuff. Risa usually would listen what I have to say with her sometimes doesn’t understand it and repeated to ask what I did mean.   
  
Risa was close to do nothing, and yet, I—  
  
“Onee-san, why are you crying?”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
I looked down to her eye level, it’s when she put her hand up and wiped the trail of warmth away my cheek. I cried -- and it didn’t stop, no matter how I tell myself to. Risa looked at me worriedly, she got an unfamiliar creased brow and not her unusual smile. While they tell that eyes never lie, it doesn’t take me to second guess whether Risa was wiping my tears was an act … somebody like her would never sugar coat a stuff just to get in my good side, never.  
  
“Ri, Risa, how about you … go home now? Your session has finished.”  
  
“But Onee-san is sad,” she said. “Last time when I’m sad because my TV show ended, Onee-san was there beside me until I stopped crying …!” she continued. She mentioned the thing happened two weeks ago when her favorite show ended. As a kid, no wonder she might cry a lot because of it, and I was keeping her company. “I-I want to make Onee-san happy too. P-Please don’t be sad. I’ll, I’ll be sad too if Onee-san is sad.”  
  
Such innocence of a little girl.  
  
Such warmth that felt foreign, yet easy to grasp and claim.  
  
I—what I have been done? I, I never make her happy, and there she, she just—  
  
“... I love you.”  
  
I said it; my sanity and my desire mingled into one. A careless whisper that Risa might not hear, a whim that I allowed to come out as I trembled and held her tighter.  
  
[ Why of all people I can be in love with, it must be her …? ]  
  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
Risa refused to go home even if I keep telling her to -- it was the first time I saw her being headstrong like that. She insisted to be here until I stop looking sad. She wanted to see me look happier -- I can’t say that it partly because of her that I’m miserable; hell, it’s my own conflict that makes everything tangled.   
  
No, I could never blame Risa; she did nothing wrong, and she would never be.  
  
That night as I told to her parents that she stayed a night in my place again, we … we “played” again.  
  
While it is mostly my uncertainty that reigns me this night, we keep it like usual -- Risa being Risa that would surrender to my pace. I felt her skin to mine, I felt her searing heat, I relished what I can have, and we put it in repeat.  
  
I don’t remember when I passed out, but when I woke up, it was in the middle of early morning. The sun was not up peeking through the window. As I’m too lazy to search for the clock, I just deducted that it’s around 3 or 4 AM.   
  
Risa was there in my arms, sleeping soundly. Her small, naked frame was partly covered within pristine white bed sheet.   
  
The small, defenseless self that I have dyed many times. The nimble body that I’ve carved with several possessive marks.  
  
[ Why you didn’t say no to this // Why do I keep going with this ]  
  
“This is not … love,” I whispered as I pried away bangs keeping her eyes. “I projected my ugliness to her.”  
  
I retracted a few step to find my reasoning behind my uncontrollable act; thinking how it all begin to find I found almost nothing I can base onto. As far as I can acknowledge, I like to be around Risa, I like to hear more of her unimportant stories, I like to see her having fun, and then I wanted more.  
  
I love her, however, what I did to her is nothing but ‘mutual’ love—it can’t be called ‘love’, right?  
  
“… Mm, Onee-san …?”  
  
Ah, I must have bothered her with my idle fingers tracing her bangs occasionally. Risa opened her eyes slowly, then trying to find me.  
  
“I’m here,” I softly replied. Placing a kiss on her forehead, Risa squirmed a bit. “It’s still too early in the morning, you should sleep more.”  
  
A weak nod. “Onee-san?”  
  
“Hmm?”  
  
“You’re … not angry that I wanted to stay here?”  
  
It’s a rather strange question, “I’m not.”  
  
Risa has yet to close her eyes again as I slid my arms to embrace her again. The ever familiar warmth is seeping to my skin now, I sighed off my worries away and trying to find something to talk.  
  
“It’s Sunday, right? How about we go shopping later?” I suggested. “If I remember correctly, the shopping district hold discounts for sweets today.”  
  
“A, Are you sure I can come with you?” uh, oh. Not a topic that will make her asleep, it seems. Her eyes blazed with vigor now.  
  
“Yeah, but, do sleep for now.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
These contacts – these ‘plays’, it can’t be continued forever, right? She—she got future ahead of her, but then again I … I don’t know how to stop this feeling from blooming.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
“—Hikawa-sensei?”  
  
It was a nice slap to my reverie, though it wasn’t a good shock to my heart. I shot back to the open door by music room of Hanasakigawa to find a certain black-haired student peeking through the door. I looked up to my front, there lies an open score book and my hands on the piano. Right, I was revising some of the song arrangement before bringing it to my student there; I already spend my time using the music room as long as I can remember.  
  
“C-Can I come in, Hikawa-sensei?”  
  
“Of course, Shirokane-san.”  
  
‘Sensei’ … here I am becoming a teacher again, also temporarily if I might add.  
  
Seven years passed since I last coming by this town, a friend phoned me asking to fill in as a Classical Music Club advisor for some while until the school can search for a new one. I did study about music in my college days, though, my actual work is not even close to music – not like I can turn down my friend’s offer since she almost begged me to do it. Since I was not having an assignment from my office at the moment, I said that I would take over only for a few months and I would say no if she wanted to prolong it somehow.   
  
My string of luck, however, not stopped from getting worse.  
  
“Is, is this the song you will use to teach Hanegaoka students?” the usually meek Shirokane Rinko, one of my top student and a professional pianist, asked upon seeing the score. I nodded to answer. “W, what kind of song is it?”  
  
“It’s an easy one for you, don’t worry,” I spared a small smile. “Shall we make our way to Hanegaoka, then? Does anyone else from the club wanted to join?”  
  
“Oh, umm, Matsubara-san … is dragged to Marching Band again … it’s only me for today.” As if on cue, I can hear a loud banging from downstairs – the said Marching Band club is on the go.  
  
“Will it be okay if we walk there? My car is still under repair.”  
  
“It, it will be fine, Sensei.”  
  
That another end to my luck, is that I must help another club from another school to revive their glory … whatever it is. Hanasakigawa Classical Music Club already agreed to help Hanegaoka’s All Girls’ school Choir Club until they are able to be on their own.   
  
Rinko and some of the instrument students from Hanasakigawa said that they are usually there to act as the Choir Club back-up percussion. This is my first time to go to Hanegaoka after the club’s request, since Hanegaoka wanted to learn newer song for their upcoming choir contest.  
  
I didn’t know the base of this helping agreement aside that the schools shared history with music, but as I already agreed to be the club advisor, I can’t help but to get along. Hanegaoka seem to be having promising students too in their lists, so everyone said, can’t say I’m burdened to do it: it’s an honor to hone someone’s potential.  
  
“I will … lead the way, p-please follow me.”  
  
.  
  
Seven years ago. This town—I was spacing out earlier because of the passing thought. Seven years ago, the promise. Seven years ago, I was—  
  
“ … She must’ve been … no, of-of course not.”   
  
“Hikawa-sensei?”  
  
“Oh, uhh. Nothing. Carry on, Shirokane-san.”  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
My stay in that town seven years ago was the same as ‘a few months’.  
  
A few days later after our shopping outing, a letter come to me and a phone from my parents. Our tutoring session continued per usual, however, the heaviness of my heart keep increasing that I found it even hard to look at Risa at times – but when the choice presented for me to go away, I was torn.  
  
“I see, so you’ve got a chance to go overseas? It is good opportunity, Sayo-chan.” Risa’s mother said upon me finishing my side of news. Yes, also a good opportunity for me to disappear for good—I said to myself. “Risa-chan would be lonely, but I think she will understand.”  
  
Risa … I would leave Risa and her already ruined future just to save my ass.  
  
I can’t really decline this offer since it’s my parents nagging about it too, but when ‘Risa’ come into mind, I—  
  
[-when the choice presented for me to go away, I was torn.]  
  
“What do you mean, she would be lonely? Doesn’t she have … her friends?” I brought myself to ask.  
  
There was a pause from her mom. “Risa-chan doesn’t have that many friends,” I widened my eyes at that. “As far as I know, Risa-chan only talk to someone behind her seat,”  
  
Why? Was it because me who’s taking her time to play outside too? Or—  
  
“You see, Risa was sickly before that she hardly attend school,” I didn’t stop Risa’s mom from talking, rather, I was mortified. “She ever said that she doesn’t know how to talk with others to make friends, I did tell her to speak or tell anything, but maybe she still have some difficulties with it. So, after I see that she’s making friends with you, Sayo-chan, she smiled a lot.”   
  
I only looked at my feet in shame. Risa’s mom continued stating that, maybe because talking with me, she could finally approach and try to make friends with her peers. I did recall ever tell her something as we watched TV, or as we walked together about ‘why people can be like this’ or things like ‘how to ask politely’.  
  
.  
  
“Please do tell Risa-chan when you’ll leave … oh, right, your last day to be here is August 25th, right?” Risa’s mom was attentive to everything that I said earlier, I just nod to answer. I feel like nothing can make me more mortified, but.   
  
Her last sentence was a dread.  
  
“It’s Risa’s birthday.”  
  


* * *

  
  
**< F. /lisa-present  >**

  
  
I watched Ako-sensei sorted stuff on her medicine shelf as I tried to finish my tea. My eyes traveled back and forth to the infirmary surrounding as Ako-sensei absorbed to the shelf-tidying – I won’t bother her work.  
  
It’s not like I don’t memorize the whole outlook of infirmary, but it was simply fun that sometimes Ako-sensei put random decoration somewhere. I remembered she got this strange witch hat on the table, or something like black ceiling decorations I don’t know what the meaning of. I passed on a calendar hanging right on the side of the shelf that she tended. It’s about the end of July soon, summer holiday for me to rest at home is nigh – then I spotted the decorated circle on July 3rd away from other seemingly bland red circles in other dates.  
  
“Ako-sensei, what’s happening on July 3rd?”  
  
“Hmm? Ah, you saw it!” but she didn’t budge on her shelf, though she screamed. “It’s my birthday date! Gah, it’s so embarrassing that you spotted it.”  
  
Birthday. I quickly bit back my own question. Uneasiness crept suddenly to my throat.  
  
“What is it, thinking to put a prank or to woo me with presents, huh? Sadly the date already passed~” Ako-sensei closed off the shelf, then looked back to my way. Her snicker morphed to a flat line to see my expression—I must’ve looked like I’ve seen ghost. “… Is something wrong, Risa-chan?”  
  
Ako-sensei approached where my bed is. I broke our eye contact when she was near, right in front of me. When I averted my gaze below, I heard Sensei sighed, and then she gave my head a slow pat.  
  
“Look, if you want to cry or scream; I’d pretend that I hear and witness nothing.”  
  
She then retracted her hand, and there I stopped her from walking away.  
  
“… What, what would you do if … if someone …” I reeled. “… someone, somebody you hold very dearly give you a lie, and then they left you, as your birthday present?”


	3. G to I

**< G. /sayo-past  >**

  
  
I’ll be leaving soon—my heart can’t stop clenching of heartache and guilt. Also, Risa is having her birthday on that day when I’m supposed to leave.  
  
After hearing that I might be her only friend, I regretted everything that I have been doing – I am but someone who’s really worst, taking advantage of her innocence and obedience to my own good. I do love her – I cherished whatever small thing she did or small stuff she talked with me during our tutoring session. Also that night when she wanted to be with me because I was sad … it felt genuine; it was a warmth that I would never want to let go.   
  
Her presence made me want to stop the time just for us to talk, spending our time with laughter and lots of colorful stuff; something that I might have yearned away from the world where everyone might lie or stab you from your back.  
  
At the same time, however, here echoed the ‘is it even called love, when you’re only getting the good and the others receiving the bad?’  
  
Risa came to my house again this Sunday, saying that she would be there until her mom picked her up. My lingering thoughts keep me in silence as I sit beside her watching TV. Sometimes, Risa would ask some stuff that she doesn’t know out of the show going on and I will answer.  
  
Next Sunday, however, it’s the August 25th.  
  
“Onee-san, Onee-san.”  
  
“Yeah?” Risa leaned on me.  
  
“Can I, can I request something?”  
  
I swallowed. “Mhm, what is it?”  
  
“Can we go somewhere to celebrate my birthday?”  
  


* * *

* * *

  
  
**< H. /lisa-present  >**

  
  
‘What would you do if someone you hold very dearly tell you a lie and left?’ is what I have posed earlier as a question to the infirmary doctor.  
  
Ako-sensei gave me a little shrug before she, “Huh, like, a kind of worst birthday ever?” she slipped her hands to her suit pocket, wondering to horizon. “While I do think everything may happen with a reason, I would hate to see someone I loved will do something like telling lie and then left.”  
  
“Everything may happen with a reason …?”  
  
Ako-sensei scratched her nape, “Sometimes, there are things that’s … ‘unavoidable’,” she looked away from my range of sight. “One time, I think I ever get in a fight with my older sister because I found out she kept something and depressed on her own without telling me,” my thoughts floated to that certain day.  “My sister said, ‘I don’t want to make you worry’ et cetera et cetera; still, it will be better if we can talk it out instead having to keep secret to each other … maybe some kind like that, Risa-chan?”  
  
“I … see.” was my short answer. No—it’s not even comparable to what my problem is, but I do get the idea if Onee-san want to hide ‘something’ beyond her lies back then.  
  
[But, it’s unforgivable. What she ever did is unforgivable—]  
  
“Though, if you really, really want to hate someone; you can always hate it, never have any room to forgive them,” Ako-sensei added. “Just make sure you won’t regret what your choice is.”  
  
.  
  
Seven years ago, ‘she’ left me with a word of promise.  
  
Only by five years ago I found out from many resources that what I’ve been doing with ‘her’ is utterly disgusting.  
  
I experienced dreams within dreams as the touch burnt into my senses; there are times I’ll wake up crying and hurt, but also there are times that I missed to have someone like her in my life.  
  
Did I enjoyed it / Why I’m this disgusting / Did I yearned it / Why I allowed it to happen / What drives me to do it?  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
(Why I feel like something is … missing?)  
  


* * *

 

* * *

  
**< I. /sayo-present  >**

  
  
Coming to Hanegaoka, I was being greeted warmly by the Choir Club there. The supposed-to-be president—I think—Minato Yukina, introduced other members and showed me where they usually practiced and what kind of practice they had undergone. It’s almost similar like what I’ve taught for Hanasakigawa; seems the Classical Music Club members tutored them well at that.  
  
Next, Minato-san asked if I would like to hear them sing for once. Shirokane-san volunteered to be their back-up pianist, in which I’m pretty surprised to hear. Never would I know that she can become that assertive. I stayed right beside Shirokane-san to watch her notes in playing, since when we walked here earlier, she asked me to correct her stance.  
  
Children usually have their surprises – that reminds me of how Risa is being obedience, yet she would be vocal if she wanted something.  
  
… Risa.  
  
She should be … 17 this year, right? Since seven years has been passed since then. She should be in high school too, if it’s true.  
  
The song Hanegaoka Choir Club is one of a long ballad, which makes me more immersed in my solemn thought more than ever.  
  
I did say about a promise that we will meet again.  
  
Thinking back again, however, it’s a selfish wish of mine that she would come to me and punish me of my bad deeds.  
  
It would be better if I disappeared, but—  
  
[Why?]  
  
Why there’s a small hope in me that … she would … remember what I’ve said back then? Why can’t I resolved that I would only be a bad, bad, bad person? Why can’t she just … sue me, or say that she hated me and she doesn’t want to see my face ever again?  
  
Why?  
  
.  
  
The song ended with a great note, and there I spared a little smile to the Choir Club and their good work. I took my turn to give a little evaluation, and I don’t forget to tell Minato-san that I’m impressed with her stable voice over high notes.  
  
“But it’s more to Rinko whom I’m being grateful to,” Minato-san said. “Her piano playing moved me to give it my all so I can match her great performance.”  
  
I glanced to see that Shirokane-san somewhat shrunk … don’t know in joy or in her usual shyness, since her smile seems different. “Then, I guess we might move to learn a new song next, but I need to give Shirokane-san a bit of advice first. Please pass this lyrics to everyone.”  
  
“Alright, Sensei.”  
  
\--That was when the door leading to this music room opened, another student entered but I paid no heed as I turned to where Shirokane-san still within her last key stance.  
  
“Yukina! Why didn’t you pick my call up, I thought you were going home first before me!”  
  
“Ah, Risa – I was leading the song to show the club advisor from Hanasakigawa so we can get an approval for learning a new song.”  
  
Wait. Did I … hear that right?  
  
“Huh? Oh! S—Sorry! A Sensei is here, I’m, I’m sorry to bother you Sensei—“  
  
The sight of long brown tresses; this time, with more highlighted color of brown instead. Those mint green eyes I would never mistake for anyone. Her voice might change because of age and puberty, though her name—  
  
\--her eyes widened in shock to mirror me taking off my glasses. Yes, I shouldn’t have been mistaken.  
  
“… Risa?”  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
  
 _That time, too, I failed to fulfill our promise to spend the time together – it was a miss._  
  
When I opened my front door that day since Risa didn’t show up per her usual hours, what I found beyond my closed door was a fainted young girl. When I brought her back to her house, Risa’s mom never know that her sick child feigned her illness and went outside to go to my home like how Risa usually did for Sundays. She came down with high fever that day, and she wasn’t coming to for quite some while.   
  
Risa’s mom did say about her being sickly and all in the past. Fearing that it might be bad, we brought her to the hospital that day. I stayed beside her bed, I made some petty excuse for not answering my parents call; no, I don’t want to leave her like this, I can’t – not after that I … used her, I tainted her, I—  
  
“O … Onee-san?”  
  
A little shake from the little hand I clasped as if it’s my only lifeline. Within her little consciousness, she still trying to seek for me.  
  
“I’m … I’m here.” I held her hands with both of mine, I can feel tears welled up on my eyes. For once, I thought of words to say so I can make her hate me, but seeing her trying to smile, I … I can’t say anything else.  
  
“I’m … sorry about the … promise.”  
  
“Don’t, don’t worry about it. We can … we can always make a new one.”  
  
“… Really?”  
  
“Of course.” My eyes were far blurred. “We can … we can go for next year, or another year … or, or maybe seven years from now … when you finally know that I’m—I’m not your Onee-san.”  
  
“Why?” her consciousness seem to be quivering again. “Why … why Onee-san said that? Sayo-Oneesan … is my Onee-san …”  
  
“I’m never been your Onee-san to begin with, I’m—I’m just a bad person.” I let out a shaky breath. “I … I’m only doing bad things to you. I’m not good.”  
  
Inside my head, my own self keep screaming over one and another of my pile of contradiction. I can’t leave her, but I can’t stay here. I don’t want to betray her, yet I have no choice. I must go, I must be a bad person to her, I must look ugly, and at the same time, I don’t want to go, I want to be a good person she always looked up to, I want to spend my time with her more, I—  
  
“Look, Risa. If I keep being around you, you’ll only become a bad person like me, so I have to … go,” I gritted my teeth, trying hard to steel my own nonexistent resolve. “Seven … years from now, you will know how bad I am – and it will be the last time we can meet.”


	4. J to K

**< J. /sayo-past  >**

  
  
I walked out of the hospital area unable to stop my tears. I tried to avoid many people as possible after I called the nurse, I talked for the last time to Risa’s mom and gave her a little words to give for Risa latter.  
  
Tell her that I’m only trying to be a tutor and nothing more.  
  
Tell her that I will see her in next seven years.  
  
I looked up to the grim looking sky above my head as my thoughts adrift.   
What I’m doing will confuse her within past years to come.  
What I’m doing will put a wall to my own feelings away for little Risa to search.  
What I’ve been doing is wrong, and only Risa who can give me a punishment for it.  
  
Seven years should be enough for her to finally understand that I’m nothing but a vile person, that I’ve been using her for my own good.  
  
I do love her, I do – I would never deny that I enjoyed when our body touched and how she … she responded to what I’m doing.  
  
I would never deny that I liked more being with somebody eleven years younger than me.  
  
Seven years later, things might be ugly – and I hope it _really_ is becoming ugly.  
  
A part of my heart churned at the thought whether Risa loved me back – and I quickly pushed it away as a mere fantasy for my clouded mind.  
  
A part of my mind think that it’s better for Risa to forget the promise instead; so when seven years later I came by to her home again, she’d quickly resent me and that’s all I need to see.  
  
… Yes. A person like me should’ve not been allowed to live.  
  
If only I never do that to her – if only she pushed me away from doing it – if only fate has been kinder.  
  
 _(Please, please. If this heart is “wrong”, tell me the “right” answer.)_  
  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
  
I instinctively broke running when Risa escaped the music room, startling everyone to the point that I don’t even care. I don’t know the layout of Hanegaoka pretty well, and I just ran past corridors to corridors searching for the flurry of brown. I stopped for a few times to catch my breath and made sure I can still see her back who’s retreating. I don’t try to call her name since she would speed up and I can’t ever catch up.  
  
I halted by the sign of infirmary, the last turn I’ve seen her back.  
  
The one greeted me beyond the door was my said “friend” who’s hired me to be a club advisor, though. Ako was sitting on her work table with a board on her hand and lollipop hanging over the corner of her lips.  
  
This said friend is someone back in college days who’s helping me after I declined my scholarship after a year. Though sometimes she’s such a handful with her … ‘seeking for cool stuff’ tendency, if not with her help, I don’t think I would be able to get myself to adjusting back for studying and working here.  
  
“Why are you—err, no, that’s not important now, I know you’re working here as a doctor …” I mumbled. “Did you see a high school girl running here?”  
  
“Can you be a little specific, Sayo-san, this is an all-girls’ school.” She popped her lollipop out, some big round red candy.  
  
“Uhh, a girl with dyed brown hair, kind of curly … her name is Risa, Imai Risa.”  
  
“… Now that’s awfully specific.” Oh, how I hate when I see Ako-san snickered. “Sadly, nope. No soul is coming here since the bell ringing for club’s session.”  
  
“I see.” I slumped my shoulders down in defeat. “Then, I should be back to the music room …”  
  
“Say, Sayo-san,” Ako-san called. “How about we drink out tonight? You look tired.”  
  
My response was a blink. “Do I look like I’m tired?”  
  
“Mou, that again. I’ve told you so many times not to force yourself to be such a rigid person! Flex up!”  
  
“I’m … I’m trying, you know?” I fought back a sigh. “I’ll text you when I’m done if you so wanted some drinks.”  
  
“Okay~ I’ll be waiting then, Sayo-san!”  
  
Seven years from that time – guess I’m not even changing from when Risa spotted me have my ‘sad’ expression, huh? Risa also said to me back then that it’s okay for me to take breaks and all.  
  
\--Was I being disillusioned by Risa’s presence too, today, since I’ve longed to see her for this seven years? Then again, though, what am I looking for – didn’t I wish for her to reject my presence or punish me somehow?  
  
I closed back the door of infirmary and walked away. The promised day should be soon, I highly hoped that she would already hate me to the core.  
  
.  
  
Ako waited for the footsteps to fade for her to get up from the cozy work chair, pulling away the curtain from the bed next to her table. The said girl with dyed brown curly hair was sitting there hiding her face as she hugged her knees on the bed. Ako could hear the muffled cry, and the response she could think was a tap on the girl’s shoulder.  
  
“… I’ll get you some warm tea again, Risa-chan.”  
  
When Ako walked away from the infirmary, Risa pulled her head up.  
  
It was by her own instinct that she ran; but after hearing the little conversation earlier, Risa finally realized something. Something she has been searching for this past seven years of doubts and contradictions.  
  
  


* * *

* * *

  
  
  
**< K. /past-lisa  >**

  
  
Sayo-Oneesan was a young woman living next door, and then my tutor, and then someone I looked up to.   
  
She was … she was a rather quiet person at first; I kept my own silence as I thought I might get her angry since she looked scary, but after some time, Sayo-Oneesan smiled.  
  
I remembered that time when I mistook something in my homework when she suddenly laughed—to be honest, I don’t know what I’ve mistaken, and that Sayo-Oneesan corrected it anyway, but after that, I’m no longer think that she’s scary.  
  
I would see Sayo-Oneesan occasionally when I’m going to school in the morning, she will give me a ‘good morning’ and said that she is in hurry. Mom said that college students are always busy so I never intended to stop her from going.   
  
Onee-san would sometimes look tired when teaching me, I guess it is as Mom said. At that time, I would slow down for doing my homework, especially when Sayo-Oneesan was nodding her head in drowsiness.   
  
Once, she ever slept on the table, and I just waited until she woke up, staring on her sleeping face. I did want to give her a blanket, but it’s Sayo-Oneesan’s home – I didn’t know where she put her blanket away. She woke up after some while and seem to be apologetic, I said that it’s okay if Onee-san wanted to sleep.  
  
I didn’t have many friends back then, also when Mom or Dad was out, I would say that I’m coming to Onee-san for reading or playing. Onee-san always taught me new things. She would try to explain in words I can easily understand, and she would repeat it if I still don’t get it – it was when I started to look up to her.  
  
When Oneesan … apologized so many times before and after she ‘did’ me, her expression looked extremely painful. It made me recall when she was being sorry when she sleep in because she’s tired. Yet, it was wrong – there’s not even a single ounce of justification of what we had ‘played’ and what we had experienced back then during such short time.  
  
Oneesan would ask nicely if she wanted to ‘play’.  
Oneesan would be gentle when we ‘played’.  
While there are moments when she seem to be happy as we ‘played’ – I wouldn’t fail to see her broken expression after.  
  
It was wrong, there’s not even a right thing of what she has been doing, but then … Onee-san would never try to hurt me. I’m happy to see Onee-san being happy. I’m sad to see Onee-san being sad. She hardly speak about herself when what I always tell is my share of stories. Onee-san’s smile makes me feel warm. Onee-san’s laughter would make my day. Onee-san’s sad face will make me—  
  
\--Risa. No. She’s wrong. She’s so _wrongwrongwrong_.  
  
[Then, why I cherished our time together; as much as I detest the definition of what she’s been doing is as same as what anyone who’s brainless have done?]  
  
“Look, Risa. If I keep being around you, you’ll only become a bad person like me, so I have to … go. Seven … years from now, you will know how bad I am – and it will be the last time we can meet.”  
  
It was the last sentence I heard from her before my consciousness swim away for me to make out the rest of her ramblings. Sayo-Oneesan’s face, she was hurt, she was miserable, she kept telling one lie to another. Because when we have our time together, she was relaxed, she was bright, she was radiant, she, she—  
  
“Onee-san …” I tried to grasp for one last time. “Don’t … don’t go.”  
  
.  
  
(Why do you have to tell a “truth”—when your face showed me only sadness? It’s a lie, right?)  
  
.  
  
As my visions blackened and nothing enveloped me but feverish sensation which drowned everything else – I felt a soothing, familiar touch on my lips.   
  
Everything was the same – it was the same at the moment when she ‘dyed’ me.  
  
It’s a same feeling, which she embedded carefully for every moment she did it.  
  
\--It was a kiss of love.


	5. L to M

**< L. /sayo.  >**

  
  
There are times when I happened to remember the sensation, as maybe my five senses already explored it too well - I hated myself for it. The soft skin, the growing hotness of the flesh, the call to my name, the taste of those growing buds—and how my heart blooms with Risa and only Risa.  
  
I loved her deeply – of her innocence, of her attitude, of her presence to my loneliness, of her way to try and reach me; she was still a child, I know all too well but my feelings – it rang true and it made me feel safe and sound.   
  
I liked her smile; I wanted to make her smile.   
I liked her story; I wanted her to hear mine as well.   
I liked when we lean onto each other on the living room to watch TV or reading books.   
I liked when we go for a little shopping and I could buy her a little stuff like candies and toys.   
I liked when we sleep together, when she hugged me back in sleep and I could feel her soft breath to my skin and relishing on her small frame in my arms.  
I liked her way to greet me in the morning when we met.   
I liked when she seemed to be intrigued by new stuff she learned; how cute she was when she seem to be deep in thought—  
  
—Then again, as it might sound as sweet, it was also a sin that I allowed myself to indulge. It was a forbidden fruit that was so delicious that you craved for more. It was an act I did to convey my … perhaps, a distorted love. Love can be come in any kind, and there I signed myself to convey my love that way – to a child who might not knowing anything about world.  
  
I know that how much I hated, I detest or I would never forgive myself; the fact that I had tainted the small Risa never changed. I would wake up with an ever-present guilt, I would find it hard to breathe as I cried and cursed my old self and how I didn’t stop. There’s also times that I would think it’s better to end my life, but I have my promise that I kept.  
  
Seven years later when Risa already knew everything, I would be back to fulfill our failed promise; and it would be the last time we would meet.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
“Cheers!”  
  
Ako-san held her ale’s glass high and I just followed. She quickly dragged me away to nearby Izakaya dining, and ordered away beer first before anything else. I did say to her that I’d love it light since I’ve got something to work overnight, and there she proposed at least three glasses of whatsontap. Cold beer sizzling smoothly to the back of my throat as I slowly take my sip, Ako-san practically emptied her glass already in one loud chug.  
  
“How’s the music class then?”   
  
She didn’t waste time on asking. I did break out running away from my class earlier and when I returned, the students watched me with curious eyes – especially Minato Yukina. I did make an explanation that I mistook this said ‘Risa’ as someone else and I apologized to make everyone startled. The atmosphere turned to be different as expected, but I wrapped up the practice in good note.  
  
“So-so, I guess.” A half-hearted answer, I just watched my own glass.   
  
“That’s good, then.” Ako-san hummed. “Is writing music fun?”  
  
Ako-san would pose me some random questions when I’m feeling down. She was my new roommate and an assistant doctor I met when I’m back from my cancelled scholarship. I never tell her the truth, she never poke fun of any of my personal life but, she’d always ask if something bothered me – though she’s more to trying to cheer someone’s up instead trying to make someone tell of their problem. She’s quite a good counselor, or so I think, especially around kids—she majored in that if I remembered correctly.  
  
We continued a bit with ramblings, along with a bit of lemon-sprinkled karaage and our second glass for whatsontap, and then,  
  
“Hey, how about we go into that random mixer? Got some dirt from Matsubara-sensei that the staff will be doing it.”  
  
“You know I’m not into that stuff, it’s a meaningless fun.”  
  
“… Well, I did recall that you declined some poor girls back then from our year, and you declined them with what I can conclude as concrete reason since none of them trying again, I thought you were married or something.”  
  
“Ako-san.” I shot a glare beneath my glasses. “I just … have a promise with someone.”  
  
“Ahh, so, old love’s fire,” Ako-san said in sing-song tone. “Go fulfill the promise, then.”  
  
“I know, I’m trying to.” Risa’s smile resurfaced on the back of my mind again, before it shatters. “Though after that, I don’t know what to do anymore.”  
  
“What do you mean by that, Sayo-san?”  
  
“I—“ there I swallowed, though I know Ako-san might catch my uneasiness in such pause. “I, I think I would go somewhere far again after the things settled.”  
  
Ako-san looked at my way. “Hmm, like overseas again?”  
  
“No.” I spoke in somewhat firmer tone. “I think somewhere farther.”  
  


* * *

* * *

 

  
**< M. /lisa.  >**

  
  
For the first time I woken up from the same dream, I asked myself questions: ‘why?’  
  
I was having that dream again; with this time, the touch felt so real. Also, what we talked sounded loud and I could remember everything in it.  
  
It was one time when Sayo-Oneesan embraced me out of blue when we are having another night together on Saturdays, a week before she left. I think I’ve finished my homework late because there are lots of math problems I don’t understand and Onee-san helped me slowly to get it done. It’s by the evening that we done everything with me understood how to get it done, then she asked whether I want to stay the night.  
  
“It’s okay if you don’t want to, I just need a company.”  
  
Her expression was sad back then, just like when we finished our ‘play’, and so I decided to be there so Sayo-Oneesan have a friend. She got another takeouts and said to mom that I’d be there, and she’s back with food, chips, and there we ate dinner.  Sayo-Oneesan asked me if I wanted to sleep after bath and dinner, I prompted for us to read a book instead.  
  
We have yet to finish a book, and there Sayo-Oneesan circled her arms to my waist and she buried her face to the crook of my neck. The story book is long forgotten and I feel something warm running on my shoulder.  
  
Sayo-Oneesan cried; her figure trembled but she kept holding onto me strongly.  
  
“… sorry,” I can made out what she mumbled under her breath. “I’m … sorry, Risa.”  
  
“Why Onee-san is … crying?”  
  
She didn’t answer, she kept repeating her sorry like a broken tape, and I can only wait until she settled down. Her breath brushing against my nape as she withdrawn, placing her chin to my shoulder.  
  
“… Risa.” Her call was a bit hoarse after cries, and her tone was soft. “I’m … sorry, but let me stay like this.”  
  
The way she usually hold me is like she’s holding something fragile; like a glass that would shatter if she put pressure on it. There was a ripple of doubt, a hint that she might regret something, and there she would force her smile if I asked again if she’s okay.  
  
“Onee-san.”  
  
“Hmm?”  
  
“Are you happy when we get to play?”  
  
I turned my head; it was an innocent question coming from me, though the expression of Sayo-Oneechan changed within a heartbeat.  
  
“I do,” she exhaled. “But … it’s, it’s not something I should’ve done, Risa. I …”  
  
She trailed off, and I took my hand up to rub at the corner of her puffy red eyes.  
  
“I’m sorry that I can’t make you happy, Onee-san.”  
  
“No, Risa. Don’t apologize. It’s all my fault.”  
  
.  
  
We stayed sitting for long while, only to move to bed when Sayo-Oneesan acknowledged it’s past my bed time. She didn’t hug me or get closer to me, she lay herself beside me with her eyes wide open and her lips closed to a small smile.  
  
… Again, she was sad.  
  
Am I … the one who’s at fault of her sadness?  
  
Why I can’t make her happy?  
  
“Onee-san?”  
  
“… Yes?”  
  
“Are you happy when I come to play?”  
  
“I am.”  
  
“Then … why don’t we “play”?”  
  
“Risa, don’t,” Onee-san sighed. “Please, don’t. I won’t … hold back.”  
  
I rolled to her chest that time, staying there close to hear her rush of heartbeat. She didn’t put her arms around me, neither she tried to move to avoid me, she … stayed.  
  
“If Onee-chan happy, then I am, too.” I said. “So,”  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
“… So don’t hold back.”  
  
I raised up from my slumber to collect my thoughts.  
  
After some time, I did find from many that what I have done was wrong, is stupid; she might be holding an ulterior motive behind it that I don’t even know. ‘She’ was benefiting from me as a mere innocent child without chance to push back. Thinking back; I myself am the one allowed her to do it since it was something I can think of that ‘make her happy’.  
  
I can’t blame her / but I must blame her / she started it all / but I allowed her / she tried hard to stop / I created a gateway for her / she was beyond guilty of what happened  
  
The reason I allowed it to happen was because I wanted her to be happy – while maybe at that time I don’t know when she’s ever enjoying herself nor I know how to ask of her feelings.  
  
“… After that, she kissed me full on the lips, and then …” my grip on my own bed sheet tightened. “And then she …”  
  
[ No, there’s not even single justification of what she had done – she should atone for it. ]  
  
Content with mulling over for a bit, I decided to get up from my bed.  
  
The summer holiday went quite fast with me having my usual summer cold aside from me doing the summer homework with Yukina. Yukina was busy with her Choir Club training camp and we only get out together on small occasion with me mostly wanting to stay indoors. This end of the week is when I felt that I’m finally recovered with my cold and I was planned to stay in for lunch and asked if Yukina or her friends are done with the summer camp at school.  
  
I heard the doorbell rang when I get myself changed from my pajama to casual summer wear of light maroon sweater and knee-length baby blue jeans. Mom called my name to greet the guest there, and I quickly thought of Yukina coming.  
  
My eyes stopped dead to spot a particular person in turquoise hair. She wore a black sleeveless turtleneck knit combined with pale yellow high waist chiffon pleated skirt. Her hair was up with unusual ponytail, not to mention, her gaze of green was hidden beneath those light-framed glasses.  
  
“… Good morning, umm, Imai-san. It’s, it’s me,” She said. “I’m … here to fulfill our promise from seven years ago.”


	6. Ninelie.

**< N. /lisa  <-> sayo >**

  
  
It took me some while to prepare my own … mental condition before pressing on the doorbell.  
  
Imai’s residence, seven years has been passed since I last coming around this area. I thought I might forgot the direction that day and ended up asking around – it didn’t happen, though. I found the way and came from my current rented apartment within thirty minutes.  
  
I waited for a bit until a voice came to the speaker; it was her mom. I stated my name and that I wanted to meet Risa.  
  
I came by her doors as I have been promised – now I’m one step closer from fulfilling my promise to her. I anticipated that she would run away from me like earlier, however, she only spared me a strange look, and then I tried to speak.  
  
“Good morning,” how to address her now? My eyes wondered to the name plate. “Imai-san.” There she blinked. “It’s, it’s me. I’m going to fulfill our promise from seven years ago.”  
  
She didn’t flinch; her firm grasp on the doorknob telling me that she wanted shut me off, I waited for any response. I noticed that she’s now taller, about to reach my eye level, also her hair is really dyed while still in a part ponytail. I had no time to see her closely when she broke out running away, but she’s still … cute, the same cute Risa I ever seen, albeit not small anymore.  
  
“Oh, umm. If, if you don’t want to go alone with me, it’s okay. This, this will be the last—“  
  
“Wait.” It wasn’t the small voice I usually heard, it was more raspy, and having a high pitch. “I’ll tell mom that I’m going outside, please wait here,” she turned to the inside of the house, though she popped her head again. “Where … are we going?”  
  
“Nowhere far, and not long.” I assured her with a little smile. “I’ve got my car, but don’t worry, I … I won’t do anything.”  
  
There was this dissatisfied sigh before her figure disappeared inside. I can’t help but to clutch my arm as to suppress my nervousness.  
  
It has been seven long years, yet I haven’t overcame my own coward self.  
  
.  
  
Risa showed up not long after that. She got herself a purple handbag and an inverted rabbit necklace strapped around her neck. It is summer and she was good with her choice of shorts and sweater – or maybe it’s today’s trends or whatever, I’m not the one who follow fashions.  
  
I showed my car at the parking lot, a small white SUV I got from work. I said to her not to forget the seatbelt and then we departed to our destination without much words - I did tune in random radio and get myself immersed with the roadway, only to glance sometimes by the viewfinder to see Risa having her eyes on the window.  
  
“Say, what should I call you?”  
  
I paused. “Anything is fine.”  
  
“Then, Hikawa-san?”  
  
“… Alright.” A strain in my voice, seemed like I’m no expert to hide my disappointment. It’s not like I wanted her to call me with ‘Sayo-Oneesan’ anymore, it’s just that our present distance going far and far.  
  
“Where are we going?” she asked again.  
  
It was a place I planned for us to go that day seven years ago which is I never speak of until now. I do hope we can talk more … though, guess by seeing our minimum level of interaction now, it would hardly happening.  
  
“Soon you’ll see.”  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
I did wonder myself if asking a high school girl to an amusement park is still an A-okay to do when I parked my car there. It was a place I’d think of that day that might be fun for Risa to go, since she mostly spend her time in neighborhood. I already planned that day of what we would be doing, but as the time has changed, I’ll just let her do whatever later. Risa watched the entrance area to see it was packed, perks of being there within summer holiday. I caught a glimpse that she was somewhat curious, although her flat expression remain unchanged.  
  
“You … wanted us to go here?”  
  
“I did.” I double-checked that I’ve locked the car doors before I stood beside her. “Is it … wrong to go here?”  
  
“What if I say this is the first time I go here?”  
  
“E—Eh? Seriously?”  
  
Risa glanced at my way, “Well, Yukina—my friend—is not exactly a fan of this kind of place, also my other friends mostly spend their time around mall and accessory stores,” ah, I finally see the glint of enthusiasm; she doesn’t lie. “What are we waiting for, you can’t be long, right?”  
  
“Ah, y-yeah.”  
  
When she walked past me, I instinctively wanted to hold her hand since it was crowded. In the end, I retracted my hand, trying to push back the thought and let her walk after me. The thought of me being monster was dawning upon me shortly.   
  
Risa stopped to spot me being silent, and there she said, “What is it?”  
  
“Oh. N-No, never mind.”  
  
.  
  
The blazing summer heat didn’t stop people from coming and going by that day. There also some attraction with long queue, but Risa said that it’s okay for us to wait. She picked out mostly an extreme rides like roller coaster and swaying boats which I tried to softly decline – but she urged me anyway and I ride stuff with her.  
  
Three rides later, I asked for time out to nearby food stalls. How hard it is being 28 versus the energy of high school girl, I thought of suddenly. Maybe I spend too much time indoors that now I’m weak with outdoor activities such as this. Not to mention, the sun is up on the sky without mercy too. Even though I already take my hair up in ponytail, it’s still as hot as ever.  
  
“Would you like some food or drinks, Hikawa-san?”  
  
“It’s fine.” I just need some time to sit, I might add.   
  
I haven’t yet used when she called me ‘Hikawa-san’ either. I secured a bench below a good shade of umbrella when Risa scurried herself over stalls. I watched her back going, how her steps somewhat animated. Her expression grown somewhat relaxed over past rides, it’s when I made small talk about random stuff.  
  
Is she happy with this setup, I wonder? This will be the last time we met. At first, I was thinking of her rejecting the idea of us to go out and repay the cancelled promise for that day. Now, I’m quite satisfied to see her around again, despite having a distance to each and other also this invisible barrier I can’t describe.  
  
This day, I would cherish everything happened until the moment it ended.  
  
“Are you okay with strawberry soft cream?” she handed me a cup with green ice cream and toppings in it, she seemed to get the Matcha one on the other hand.  
  
I gave a little nod and take my share. “Ah, sorry to make you pay for it, I’ll—“  
  
“It’s okay, it’s okay~” she cut in with a sing-song voice. “It’s not like the working person should be the one who paid for everything.”  
  
“I—I see. Then, thank you for the soft cream.”  
  
She giggled at it, the first time ever I see her having fun. I wanted to slap myself partly of being too rigid somewhat, since her laughter might be because of that. “No need to thank me, Hikawa-san.”  
  
I scooped on my own ice cream later. Haven’t seen this kind of beverage recently – not like these treats are for kids, but perhaps I drank too much beer recently with my peers or enjoying lots of bitter coffee to work overnight.   
  
Ah, it was sweet—huh.  
  
Risa … seem to be watching me taking my ice. She quickly retract her gaze when I found her eyes, though. It was as if she wanted to say something, but I decided not to pry.  
  
“Do you want … some of this strawberry?” I offered.  
  
“Will it be okay? Then yay~”  
  
She dipped her own spoon to my pot and relishing the cold, sweet berry taste. Her loud squeal because of the coldness struck got me smiling as well. What I didn’t expect, though, when she scooped part of her Matcha and offered it to me.  
  
“Here, taste my Matcha soft cream as a return, Hikawa-san,” I was struck. “Come on, it’s going to melt.”  
  
Looks like I’ve got no choice – I nodded slightly, tucked my stray hair away from my face and take the Matcha she offered on my lips. The all-familiar sensation of Matcha filled my mouth after, and I can’t hide the fact that it was delicious, either.  
  
“It’s good.”  
  
“Right~”  
  
That was a good smile, too; my heart felt light. If I could, I would want to request her to smile more, since this will be the last time we’re together.   
  
That smile was enough to lift the weight over my shoulders; I have no regrets.  
  
“Where we should go next, then?” I asked.  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
After a little break, we went to many casual rides and attractions which have a lesser queue. I stopped counting after four, and since it mostly required us to watch or to sit, we traveled in-between themed parks without breaks.  
  
Risa’s expression is far more relaxed now rather than earlier, which is making me extremely happy. Our conversation didn’t go far than small talks in random occasion, and it seems it won’t be anything longer.  
  
Time surely flew fast when you have fun, I checked my cellphone to see that it’s already closing to evening. Currently, we stopped by the area nearing merry-go-round. The parade usually started there since the road is big with benches for people to sit.  
  
“Do you want to stay and watch parade? I think they have night parade around evening.”  
  
Risa turned to me, her eyes rolled in thinking. “… I think I’ll pass,” it’s my turn to give me a crook of eyebrow. “How about we … finish up?”  
  
She looked up to me with these eyes I never see before when she was a kid. I’m not exactly an expert to know what a child is thinking, but I know when Risa is excited, when Risa is sad, or when Risa expected something. I don’t know if I no longer can predict her because she’s older and she got different range of emotion as of now or because we have seven years between us.  
  
She told us to finish the day – that means, my part is already enough. I already fulfilled our promise, it’s time for me to go.  
  
Risa faced me, her hands behind her back as she spared me a smile. “Hikawa-san, can I ask you what do you think of today?”  
  
Huh?—I blinked at the question.   
  
Yet another unexpected stuff is coming from her. Actually, it was a general, basic question. Somehow, I found myself suddenly void of any answer. I tried to open my mouth for simple response as ‘I liked today’ but it doesn’t come out.   
  
Around us, people started to gather because the park intercom announced that it will be there soon.  
  
“Let me rephrase the question,” Risa look straight into my eyes. “Are you happy?”  
  
Such familiar question, a nostalgia that is etched in my memories.  
  
“I’m happy.”  
  
Maybe it was the closest where we can be, Risa was three steps away from me and there, I must’ve been looking like idiot when she decreased our gap as one step away.  
  
“I see. I’m happy too,” Risa let out a sharp intake of breath before she continued. “Say, are you going to leave me again after this?”  
  
My eyes widened at that. Despite the growing crowds of people gathered and there’s even a trumpet call signaling the parade is starting, what surrounded me is a deafening silence. Risa waited me to say something, maybe anything between yes and no, in which I don’t know to speak of.  
  
The correct answer is ‘yes’.  
  
“Guess you never changed, Onee-san,” her tone softened. “I’m not dumb, you know,” she sighed. I didn’t notice when she tried to take my frigid hand. Hers were trembling, but she brought it up nonetheless, rendering me to prolong my speechlessness. “You must’ve been thinking that if … if you disappeared, it will make me happy.”  
  
“… Yes.” I managed. My eyes, it burns. My heart, it sinks when I saw Risa let out a small cry.  
  
“I always, always answered your question that I’m happy being with you, but why do you …” Risa sobbed. “Why do you choose to run away?”  
  
“I—“  
  
“If you’re dying, I’d be more than hurt, you know? Maybe even more scarred than if you choose to take up your responsibility.”  
  
“But if I die, what I’ve done to you—“  
  
“It’s running away, Onee-san. It’s not taking responsibility.”   
  
Her words hit me. It’s true that she might be hurt, even more hurt than when I left her for seven long years. Then again; this sin, this burden, how can I even pay it? I have tainted you, the person I loved most. I have robbed you of your future, the person I loved most. I have done many ugly things to you, and then here you are – right there waiting, holding up to my hands, crying because of me, how, how can I—  
  
“Tell—tell me what I should do then.” I rasped.   
  
It was when Risa yet closed our distance for half of step.  
  
“It’s simple,” Risa visibly chewed her lips. The glimmer of her tears are ongoing, her cheeks and corner of eyes were puffy red because of it, yet she managed to smile. “Be my future.”  
  
“… Eh?”  
  
“Oh, gosh. Onee-san, how dense are you, really?” she sneered. “If you’re so worried about my future, then take responsibility of my future. Take responsibility by marrying me.”  
  
I felt my jaw goes slack. The parade echoing beside us and people started to cheer. Nobody sees us, nobody cared about us. Out of any option, I could never think of that. It wasn’t happening. This is so surreal. There’s no way that Risa is giving me this option. After all, she was—no—I was using her, and then she, she—  
  
“Will it be alright? You’re—“  
  
“I love you.”   
  
She mustered, with louder sound to rival mine, though not enough to silence the parade brewing around us. “Onee-san, you were my first love. You were my first friend I cherished. You are the person I admired. You taught me about the world. You’re you,” she goes on. With every words, her eyes continued to glisten, sparking beautifully in the mirror of glittering lights beyond us. “Even though what you did is wrong, it’s not late for you to take responsibility of it,” there lies a pause as she trying to catch her breaths. Her hands were no longer trembling to hold mine, mine is the one going cold. “So,”  
  
I let go off her hands. The absence of our distance didn’t last long as I braced myself to give her a hug. I have a mix of emotion within me, I’m sure Risa feel the same as well, as I felt her rush of heartbeat to mine. Hours ago, I might think that I’m not allowed to hold her, but now, I need to – I don’t want her to disappear, I don’t want myself to deny myself any longer, I missed her, I wanted to spend more time with her, I … I don’t want to be separated again from her.  
  
I pulled back, slowly, my own self-consciousness started to gnaw when I did.  
  
“S, Sorry, I …”  
  
“It’s okay, I’m more happy when you did.” She said truthfully, there was no wince nor hesitation in there.   
  
The parade had dawned and crowds finally dissipated. I fished out my handkerchief for her to wipe her tears. I’m afraid that I’d still be uncertain to close my distance to her, so I told to us to sit down for a bit so we can calm down.  
  
The clock ticked to past 6 PM now, and looks like I have strayed from ‘nowhere far, not long’ agenda.  
  
“It’s … kind of late. How, how about I take you home?” I stuttered still, my boost of adrenaline seem to have died.  
  
Risa answered with a nod, then, “Can I see you again tomorrow?”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
This time, I will be able to atone for my sins—and that’s a promise I need to keep for my lifetime.


	7. open break.

Our walk back home is another silent - not exactly different when we had departed from my home.  
  
I let the passenger seat of this small white SUV sucked my back to comfort. Of course, I don’t forget to strap the seat belt, before Sayo-Oneesan reprimanded me to do so. She tuned up a random radio after revving up the car, soft ballad from an unknown vocalist floating into my ears and filling up our silence. What I did mostly is to avert my gaze toward the dark skyline and city lamp lights coming and leaving the window way as the car marched. When I snuck a glance toward the center viewfinder, I met with her calm green eyes. She seem to be absorbed within the roadway before us, as how the usual driver is, failed to notice that I was looking at her.  
  
“What is it?”  
  
Sadly, I’m the one who’s making a wrong assumptions, she surely noticed my curious gaze.  
  
“Nothing,” I managed. “I liked to see you smile.”  
  
The part of shade from bare lightning bestowed by the road concealed part of her face in dark, but I can still see her blush creeping. “… Stop it.”  
  
I giggled in amusement. “Sorry, Onee-san. You—you’re beautiful with that blushing face.”  
  
I think now my face equally red as well, since Onee-san smile’s spread, almost telling me smugly that ‘you’re blushing too’ or something like ‘you’re beautiful too’. Though, I don’t exactly catch what she speaks of because she quickly peeled her attention back to the road.  
  
The voice of ballad by the radio taking over again as the blissful silence sets in. Seeing the time drifted far from 7 PM, I texted my mom that I’ll be home late. The car pacing in medium speed toward the highway. Onee-san didn’t speed up even though the road is clear, maybe she’s trying to make me feel comfortable, or I’m thinking too much out it. Since I couldn’t exactly make out the road as it is pretty dark outside, after texting my mom, I eased to my seat and drawn my eyes to see Onee-san beside me instead glancing at the viewfinder again. Seeing her relaxed smile by the corner of her lips, it assures me that she is enjoying the moment, so much like I do.  
  
My thoughts suddenly went adrift to that moment—that day when we were separated, as I keep staring at her face.   
  
I always believed that what Onee-san told me whether she’d see me for the last time was a lie. I think, the little me for that time already knew how Onee-san’s kindness and Onee-san’s sadness are different. Mom told me when I woke up the later day that Onee-san looked like she doesn’t want to leave for studying abroad, also there seem to be ‘things that she must done’ in which I couldn’t ask back then.   
  
As I grew up trying to piece the “truth” she tried to hide, there are times I would be frustrated – since everything dawned that I’m wrong; what Onee-san did is a wrong thing, and I foolishly allowed myself to let it be. Thinking back, there always be part of her façade—Onee-san’s expression—who’s broken, like she wanted to end it all before anything could begin.   
  
Seeing how her usual behavior; her kindness, her eagerness, her smile, the warmth she ever gave to me … the more I think she would atone her sin in the hardest way possible. As a victim, maybe I wanted her to go and meet her demise, but then as ‘Imai Risa’ to ‘Hikawa Sayo’, it’s not what I wanted.  
  
If there’s something I wanted for her to pay for the deed she had done, it is for her to keep living. I want to reach her and want to be reached. I want to help her heal and for me to heal myself. I want to see her again so bad that it will make our seven years of wait worth it. Call me selfish or whatever. Call me stupid or whatever, but this is what my /heart/ wants: the warmth of her heart that never lie.  
  
“Here we are.” Onee-san parked the car at the parking lot nearby the apartment complex. I must have been lost into my own thought midway that I didn’t see it coming. The day is coming to an end, it was inevitable. “Want me to speak to your parents of your lateness coming back home?”  
  
“It’s alright, I already texted mom.” I got off from the seat belt and picked my bag. “So … I’ll see you tomorrow?”  
  
There was unexplained light morphed on those green eyes; part of it I deducted as expectation, part of it might be an uncertainty - as to mirror her flat lips line - and the last part … I guess it’s only Onee-san who knows.  
  
“Where shall we meet up?” she asked. I retracted my hand from the doorknob. That’s right, we haven’t implore more about it.  
  
“Anywhe—” oops. No, self; that seems to be a wrong answer. I don’t think Onee-san is having a place in mind since she’s pretty much new in town. She did have an impression that she took me to the amusement park because she already searched it before, not because she has been there often enough to guide me. “Umm, I mean, how about the shopping district? There’s a good café there and it's only a short walk from Hanegaoka high.”  
  
“I see,” a pause. “Then, at shopping district around noon? I’ve got some work to do.”  
  
“Okay~”  
  
As it’s been decided, I opened the door. I feel that it’s a bit hotter outside compared the car’s air conditioner, but I don’t really mind. I was about to bid goodbyes and close the door behind me when Onee-san shifted to my direction.  
  
“Err … Imai … san?”  
  
I tilted my head in response of her call. “Yes?”  
  
“Thank you for today.”  
  
I sensed relief on her tone, like it was coming from her lips easily as a breath. That makes my chest warms in relief as well.  
  
“Yeah,” I replied her with a beaming smile, and I repeated, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
I watched until her back disappeared from my sight before I turned my car back to the road home. It was still early for me to be home, it’s only 8 PM. Usually, I would wander off the city with my car until 10 if I’m not busy, getting used to the landmarks and all. The only occasion I would come home early is when I have some work I need to take home.  
  
I gripped over the driving wheel in thought as the next red light hits, thinking of what I should be doing to kill time – it was when I realized that I forgot something.  
  
Today is Risa’s birthday and I forgot to give her present.  
  
As the traffic light didn’t go to green yet, I opened my glove compartment, the one faced Risa when she seated on passenger seat. The thoughts of today’s ‘promise’ occupied me enough for me to forget I got her present right under my nose all the time.   
  
I kept the present under a box of plain red with white ribbon corsage in shape of carnation closing it. The reason I chose red as the main color is because the present got red in it. I opened the box to reveal untouched gleam of silver line, with strong vibes of red jewel attached at the bottom. ‘It might look good on her’, I thought that time when I’m choosing the silver necklace on whims.  
  
“… Oh, well. There’s still tomorrow.” I whispered to myself, my thumb traced on the said Ruby and I sighed in a way trying to calm myself away from the urge to turn back and give the present now. It’s kind of rude to bother her again after I took her home rather late than I’ve promised.   
  
Tomorrow, I would see you again. / By now, I found my way to atone for my sins and not to grieve anymore.   
  
I’d look forward to walk beside you again, Risa.

 

**/ end.**


End file.
